My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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