I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
