I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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