i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
