awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
