I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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