$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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