absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
