I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
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