you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
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