Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
