I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
