i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
