I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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