my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
