I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
