if you like me you must not know who I am
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
