i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
