I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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