I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
