Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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