I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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