hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
