I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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