I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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