Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
