he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Randomize
