Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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