That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
