I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
