Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This house was built for laser tag.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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