dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
