God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I am available for nakedness
Randomize
