Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
