I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
