I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
