And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
