are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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