Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
