Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
