mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
