I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
