I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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