Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
