the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
