So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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