He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
