Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
