Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
