I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
