Just fell off a train. Bad.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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