Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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